Due to a pretty busy last month-or-so, I've not been posting as much as I'd like. My time seems to be running away as if it's in a boozey, stressed out hourglass. Note: actual hourglasses scare the shit out of me. I think it's the childhood affinity for Wizard of Oz and fear of the Wicked Witch. She melted away like my dwindling time as of late, and both cases are worthy of spooks. In lieu of using higher brain power, and for practice for some other writing-goodies I'm weighing out and bagging up elsewhere, I have some lists to share with you and yours* (*intellect, privates, pets, loved ones...but probably not moms unless they're Roseanne-y). Feel free to smear your own shit-lists in the comments, or just mutter them to yourself if you feel no one else cares. That's how I feel, but I'm a rebel like whoa, so I got this here blog to share. Sometimes when I write I feel like the old lady in Billy Madison; "are there any horse socks? is anybody listening to me?" Whatever, fuck yo couch, here's some crap anyway.
Things im currently into (and/or may or may not always be into):
1. turkey-pastrami. hands down the best lunch meat.
2. free beer
3. the dude who put himself in a balloon on tosh
4. champagne, especially the big guys
5. answering "i dont know, it must have been the roses" to any question
6. sandwich makers, props @ Antony Demekhin
7. Paul Simon: One Trick Pony on vinyl
8. sunny-ass november
9. fart machines
10. dunphy's, et al
11. making fun of people at beaumont's/continental on a tuesday at 3am...myself included, where applicable. there's two types of people at late-night bars: drunks and horndogs...some are both. play the guess-who's-who game with your friends, or just join in, that's more fun. that's also when you make fun of yourself. WIN/WIN/barf.
12. ben folds, all over again
13. friends (the people, not so much the show)
14. good dick attached to dudes with souls, brains, and/or homes.
15. hair-hanging (real life)
16. re-reading a box of notes received by me as a 14-yr-old tease. Winner: Sam Snedaker signing every note with a giant Wu symbol. I swooned.
17. calling stupid small dumb barkie dogs dickheads (b/c they don't speak English)
18. adverse plants.
19. black comedies with foot fetish references: 90% + guarantee.
20. iphone autocorrect. Pure comedy. Winner: tie. One great gal I won't name texting a friend, "I just got dos'd" (someone gave her acid for all you squarrs/nonwooks). Friend texts back, "are you having fun?" She responds, "yep," but types "yelp" and autocorrect hollers back with..."help." Phone dies. GOLD. Tie goes to Erin Cassato for trying to text "geez" and having it show up as "gems" ...because that's a thing; "gems, i know!"
Stuff that's dumb:
1. Right hand rings - fuck you, wear a ring wherever you want. people put them in their tits, a right hand is hardly alternative.
2. AT & T.
3. The dude's shake weight--FOR REAL!? It might be so dumb it's awesome. Not sure.
4. Assembling your own furniture. Seriously? After spending like, 100 Ikea bucks, which is relative to twenty normal bucks for quality purposes, I have to fuck up my shelves too? Talk about screwing the pooch.
5. Non-HD even being an option on HD tv's.
6. Misspelled sexts including: tuck, liss, stooge, and flooperman that snow.
7. The kid on Who's the Boss not being down w other dudes' manparts?
8. Birthday packaging. Ditch the ribbons and dumb wrapping paper, just buy me a pack of cigs if you want to throw your money in the toilet.
9. See-through advertisements for raking money out of lonely elderly. I may be a general asshole, but I love olds. Leave them alone, marketing thieves.
10. Blaming everything on your "generation." either get off your ass or don't, but don't blame it on your parents' youthful and arbitrary fuck patterns.
I love lists. For someone as freestylie as me on the mic that is life, it is a paradoxical kinship. As a wise woman once told me, when you jot a quick list, always start with tasks you've already accomplished so that you're always off to a good start. So next time when you find yourself burning a Manny Ramirez jersey in the street at 2 am, "getting resourceful" and making shots out of warm juice, sweet tarts, and old vodka, "knee" deep in the middle of a 3-way with good friends, sinking on a pontoon boat full of pals at 6 am- but being excited about "turning into a submarine," or batmanning out of the bar because you're just too drunk and can't tell, don't worry. It just means you'll have lots to cross off next time you make a list. Check!
Thursday, November 11, 2010
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Things I am currently into
ReplyDelete1. Men made entirly of felt
2. playing a game called diffrent things that scare rickshaws. (i'll show you how to play)
3. witch hats rickshaws and box wine in a comination
4. Drinking gobblins you share with family members
5. Drink tickets as currencey
6. doing a sub par job at a show so you can get 2 drink tix cuz you have no money and love drinking
7. Totinos party pizza
8. asking where are all the boys no one ever hits on me while in a room full of boys singing lean on me with your friend.
9. LINK SNACKS
10. friends you can make out with and sext and then be friends later
11. soda water
Things I am not into
1. CRAIGSLIST for jobs
2. Having no job
3. My drinking gobblin thats always hungry
4. 12 year old boys that look like lesbians and cry and drink all your whiskey
5. hoarders the show ( beacuse it makes me want to throw away my hoards)
6. My overactive vagina that seems to have a mind of its own when whiskey is involved
7. people that say the word dyke and fag
8. People who talk abut what they do for a long time
9. Not having any skills fit for any kind of work that gets me any kind of money
10. tyler perry
totally into:
ReplyDelete1. proactive people
2. carrot cake oatmeal
3. seeing really long worms after it rains
4. not being scared of spiders anymore
5. finding sweet used afrobeat on vinyl
6. playing cards
7. daydreaming about having time to learn how to can food
8. dancing
9. twin peaks
10. condiments that make my nose run, ala siracha & miso
things i am not into:
1. patriarchy and the system of oppression it creates
2. cilantro
This is hilarious! You have a way with words m'lady
ReplyDeleteThings I am into right now:
1. Trying to best my autistic student's knowledge of everything random. Mean? Not intentionally but highly entertaining
2. Pumpkin pie squares. We ate 24 in 2 days. Deeeerishous
3. Domino's pizza, its not that good but the runs you get the next day are priceless!
4. Mindfulness. It's this new thing I'm trying
Things that get me down
1. High school kids who openly call my dog a rat 2 feet away from me so I can hear. Go watch Degrassi
2. Gapers of cars being pulled over on the Kennedy. How is this exciting?!
3. That I love NPR now and it makes me feel super old
I'm not as funny as you but I wanted to chime in ;)
haha no, jo. that is HILARIOUS about your students. actually all of it is pretty great. thanks ladies, i love you all:)
ReplyDeleteI'd say I got about 55% of your references so I officially feel ten years old than the ten years older I already act over and above my actual age. Have you actually held a shake weight? If not, it's astounding because you actually have to shake it YOURSELF. Now we know I don't like any sort of exercise so maybe that's why I assumed it would shake itself or maybe it was those ab belts that girated on one's flat tire that had me thinking of the laziest ways to get fit.
ReplyDeleteThings I'm currently into ...
ReplyDelete1.) Corn Beef Hash: a delicious, old school breakfast that's easy to make.
2.) Bands: Metric, The Black Keys, Cee Lo Green, and Oasis. Those guys broke up and nobody said shit about it. They fucking rock.
3.) COD Black Ops: That's Call Of Duty for all the non-video game nerds out there.
4.) Using matches instead of lighters. I'm cheap and no one ever steals matches.
5.) Junior's Taco Truck: $3 dollars for an authentic Mexican meal on wheels
6.) The Goon: Coolest/funniest comic book ever
7.) Hot Apple Cider and Captain Mo.
8.) The Walking Dead: best show on T.V.
9.) Hot Sauce on everything.
10.) Sleeping in till noon whenever possible
11). T.S. Eliot
12.) Instant movie streaming via Netflix
Stuff that's Lame (i.e. I am NOT into it) ...
1.) PBR: Call it Pabst, call it Blue Ribbon or even pibbers, it's still just shitty/cheap beer. It's fucking gross and it gives me heart-burn.
2.) Bill Collectors: Seriously, stop leaving voice mails. Like I'll call you back ... ever.
3.) People waxing $60 an eighth: Going rate in my town for good stuff is $50. Stop being a greedy asshole. I know you smoke for free.
4.) Liver and Onions: Nastiest "food" ever.
5.) Having to Number 2 at the bar: I usually just leave and hope I make it home in time.
6.) Girls texting at 5 a.m. when I'm asleep and then not responding the next day when try back. There's only one reason to call somebody that late, we can make it happen, stop being retarded.
7.) Adult Braces: Pathetic.You made it this far with fucked up teeth, why waste your money? You'll be dead soon anyway.
8.) Driving a Mustang in snow (aka The Death Sled)
9.) Shitty, old apartment windows that still let the heat out after being covered in plastic.
10.) Anything Christmas before Thanksgiving: Thanks Capitalism. Way to ruin the one good thing most Christians have going for them.