HOLY PANTHER FACE OF LIGHTNING

Guys, this picture is crazy as hell. I was itis'd up after turkey today (Thanksgiving), Stumbling and StumblingUpon tons of weird sites toting the 10 canine commandments (dog pledges to humans), tips on how to fix Thanksgiving disasters, a wine guide, some tree photos, a couple rock guidebooks; you know, StumbleUpon-style random stuff that really just mushes up your brain more than it needs to be mushed at any given time. If StumbleUpon would have existed when I was in college I'd for sure have failed out. I mean (no) drugs, boys and procrastination already made it hard enough...AM I RIGHT? ("Ladies, ladies, ladies..."- Paula Poundstone.)

But, ya, that site is crazy. Have you used it? Here--if you havent--go there now-->StumbleUpon. It's free to sign up, do that, then just pick stuff you like from the options they give you. Anything from entertainment, sports, gardening, food/drink, art, fashion, science, gadgets, languages, people, travel, money, you name it...just check it off the list. After you've dwindled however many minutes you're trying to dwindle (this is definitely a time-burning site), click the "stumble!" icon and see what it gives you. Like I said, my shit is all over the place; Johnny Depp's eyeliner applicator's interview in Marie Claire, stumbled next to THIS FUCKING PICTURE above. Which brings me to my point...

WHAT IS THIS!? It's listed as "20-striking-natural-disasters" in its description but gives no explanation anywhere as to what the hell is going on. At first glance, I was sure it was the work of an out-of-place Ursula the Sea Witch, crafting her angry land-brew in the sky instead of at the depths of hell's oceans...but then i realized it was actually the sideview profile of a death-cloud-panther whose jawline and teeth were laced with lightning, eyes glowing with fire, and a nose traced by what appeared to be the tail of an actually-still-burning comet. Huh. *dead silence/stares off*

So I'm all for this site but I think I'm either using it wrong, or we need some more freaking info here. You're gonna ask me to pick all the things I like, scour the entire internet for my entertainment, then just simply tease me with stunning imagery that offers me no education? I guess in this case I'm down with just, "sky panther of death"...but knowing maybe if anyone possibly survived this apocalypse, how it formed, where it took place, ...anything? anything at all? would probably sooth my soul a little. I feel like I just did something I wasn't supposed to--almost dirty, and I think it's because I think this is a personal photo. One that some person took, either to show to friends and family with a story to share, or to mail to mortal enemies with attached threats, that was never supposed to get to me, full as hell to the brim via turkey and malbec as a stranger on Thanksgiving in Chicago* (*though this photog could very will be a non-stranger in Chicago, I'd like to think if that was the case, this fire-face, panther-man wouldn't be such a fucking shock as it would be part of an old story I'd heard once before...or a threat even).
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I guess it got me high-thinking about privacy and impressionism, and with a wide lens. Wouldn't it be funny if Sherlock Holmes was still around? That guy would annoy everyone on Facebook for sure...always asking auspicious leading questions like "Has anyone seen Leo Brattleboro oot and aboot? I'm gumshoeing him for a case of the murder. If you're at The Arrowhead Cigar Shop, look around, do you see him? (pic attached) ...he just checked in there on Foursquare and I need you to pin him down. Anyone? I'm on my way."

Ugh I mean it's ridiculous. Some call it Big Brother, but to be Orwellian would mean it to be not only out of our control, but also to be something we didn't wish to have. Dames showing off, checking in at Fendi in NY on their holiday vaca, dudes checking in on game-day at some douchey sports bar with 200 tv's...we get it. You leave your fucking house. Good for you. I don't care that you're at O'hare, but some dude trying to rob you does, and all your stupid gold is stolen now. How do you like that? Oh, someone got fired from work because he called in sick, then by 10 am was checked into a bloody mary parlour just blocks away from his office? How invasive and inappropriate of them to fire him, right?! No; wrong...this dumbass is friends with his boss online and checking into a bar on Foursquare when he's supposed to have the measles or whatever. If you want to get fired or have your dumb gold stolen, keep "checking in," dummies. If you just want your friends to meet you, text them. Cool?

Anyway, if you know anything about this demon-cat of flaming purple skies above, I'd like any and all info. Does this cloud-beast breath fire? It kind of looks like it could ya know? Do you guys see this panther or am I totally mental? Get back to me on all accounts. Happy Thanksgiving y'all. Do something nice for someone today.

a poem: quick-texted to a dear friend on the 66

And I wonder, why's the sky blue?
And why is matthew so mcconahoo?
No one really kisses that way
so why do I have this corset anyway?
My beer belly shows the kind of girl I am,
sick like the sea but always leaving the land,
just to carry
the hops in my hand.

Get it Tight Get it Right

Ye ole New Year's Resolutions. (Is the "R" in "Resolutions capitalized? That's an AP question maybe...not sure if we're there yet.) But yea, do you make 'em? Can you just randomly make up a resolution (this one's definitely not capitalized) mid-year and have it be as motivational to pretend-to-care-about, then just cast aside when your true self inevitably dominates your potential, and then you just go back to swearing too much, sleeping with the wrong people, eating poorly and late, or constantly burning the candle at both ends...not that any of those are my personal battles or anything. I don't know...I just was tired of slackin on my personal-growth-pimpin, so I have tried changing this failed approach (approach really means lacking approach) of over-resolution'ing // exager-resolutions. Ultimately, it's June, almost July, and mad shit is going down, so let's reflect.

Friends who have seemed stagnant for years, in the most "comfortable"-meaning way of the word and not its negatively-charged variant, are now marrying, having children, moving to different cities, taking on higher-level career positions, perfecting their arts, and generally mounting the big-cock of life, and that is pretty cool. I have been trying to get back into the swing of a daily routine and it is truly a challenge for me. Since you don't care about that, I'll tell you how that really relates to what I'm getting at...resolutions are hilarious & totally telling about what types of cock-climbing you actually plan to tally up in the forthcoming year. And now that we're halfway through this bonedown, I figure it's time to evaluate if we've really stuck with those buggers like we said we would. What was your resolution? Have you followed through?

My main goal for 2011 was inspired my younger-than-me, but still teaches-me-so-much pal, Ms. Emily Rose. "Get your money right 2011" has been in full effect, and I am on a full hustle all the time. Getting results definitely inspires perseverance in all things arduous. I have more jobs than Nicki Minaj and I'm cool with that when I check my ledger. Keep in mind, I have normally had $zero.nothing in said ledger, so one should not assume me muggable- as my frame of reference is kinda homeless.

Did you decide to diet? Or travel more? Or lock it up with your special someone? Did you listen to that one song by Aaliyah and Timbaland, about a Resolution? Did you make a-mental-mends with your old neighbor, who's kind of a dick about watering his lawn too much but he's still not that bad of a dude, but you probably don't want to get stuck with him at a cookout?

I guess I'm asking...have you done what you said you were going to do? That, above all, is what people should generally do, I believe. I'm following through. Try it if you're not. You'll actually accomplish something and it feels good. Next for me-get some sweet skills: gardening, keyboard times(Swan let's do this), buying & wearing sunhats, NPO fundraising... and I'm putting this shit on fake-paper so, ...I guess I have to step it up now. TRY IT...it's kind of fun. Get it tight-get it right in 2011.5.

Top Six Reasons to Get Weird up in that Electric Forest (Electric Forest Festival, Rothbury, Michigan, June 30-July 3)

Here's some thoughts I have on Rothbury, Michigan's upcoming Electric Forest Festival over Fourth of July weekend:

http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/lists-that-actually-matter/2011/05/top-six-reasons-to-get-weird-up-in-that-electric-forest-electric-forest-festival-rothbury-michigan-june-30-july-3.html

See you out there, champs.

My a-button is busted.

Lately I've been thinking about how annoying technology is. I mean, it also helps, too; I'm not on Walden Pond over here, but seriously...it's so demanding. It's like nannying for your reputation. Constant supervision upon your vulnerable, digital self... especially when it comes to work and Stalkernet, and worse when they're entwined. Sweet 5-hour delay to untag that picture of you bonging a beer in your bra at age 27; sure no one saw it, nor did it show up for your old boss/aunts/former campers to see. I mean, it's not really a big deal, but 10 years ago this crap wouldn't have happened, and you had to ..God-forbid.. actually get to know someone before judging them as a completely insane boozehound. also, sweet job having to check e-mail all the freaking time. at work, or in real life, mad heads are over-e-mailing and I just can't handle it. People get so salty if you're delayed in response, or even take it personally if you just haven't even seen their correspondence yet; but don't tell them that you haven't seen it yet either, or you'll just look irresponsible.

We're held so accountable... and for what? Charlie biting his stupid finger again? Boss singing the Lumberg-song asking for just a little bit more of your time or effort or... lack of apathy? Once at my shitty desk I spit on my monitor. Like a llama or whatever, just loug'd on my screen out of anger; like it was not inanimate, or as though a chump on the street (like a chump, heyyy, like a chump heyyy). I had to mail all these uninformative, wasteful packets of Marketing garbage to Switzerland and I stapled something wrong or something. Can you even staple something wrong? I mean ... these papers...they're not separate now, they seem pretty attached. Must have misunderstood what stapling was. I got FIVE emails about the mis-staple. FIVE. Two were from the same Bimbo. This one old lady in the office slept at her desk (real)...like, all the time. They've probably scolded her via e-mail like 50 times but she always had her eyes closed so she probably thought everything was just fine. and wouldn't it be better that way? Not having your eyes closed, but, not having to slave to your Outlook or your Gmail or your Gchat or your sparkly Myspace emoticons? I don't know, maybe it's just me, but it's so annoying. I think some people actually like the constant accessibility...so different strokes, I guess. I quickly started getting inspiration from that old nap-taking-lady, and I kind of realized it's easier to just not care. Well, that's how most things are, I suppose. I think it's Microsoft's fault for offering a snooze option in Outlook, et al; (insert bad office joke here).

But even when we don't care, it still gets complicated. (are we talking about technology here?) Like right now, I have to cut & paste every "a" I type. My a-button is broken (so is my "_-ray" button for that matter, but "_" is a more manageable atrocity). Its taken me at least twelve years to get all these thoughts jotted down, what with my normal keystroke as smooth as the skin on Mavis Beacon's newborn behind, and this new method of typing being as punctuated.as.meticulously.as.a.Dickinson.sonnet. So, please e_cuse my lack of capitalization when it comes to a's, but it's been a tough run, and this will be the last thing I write before sending this old-piece-of-shit computer via snail-mail to California or someplace to get fi_ed. Wish me luck* for both our sakes.

<<*Once in college something else dumb happened to my computer and I brought it to Best Buy's Geek Squad to fi_ it, and without asking me before doing so, they mailed it to...somewhere. I, of course, had nothing backed up, and -no joke- my computer got lost at sea. I lost all my writing, music, pictures, and other stuff you save. WHaT YEaR IS THIS?! I wasn't aware that was possible what with Magellan, the invention of GPS and... all the technology we're responsible for monitoring in the first place. BEST BUY-- I'm gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Saturdaaaay.>>

"UYD: Never Dodge a Load"

When I worked at my shitty desk, I listened to serious amounts of podcasts. I downloaded tons of NPR Shows, The Economist, a few musically-driven diatribes against autotuned-modernity central to Grateful Dead, Stevie Ray Vaughan, and The Allman Brothers amongst other folks, and of course some Onion stuff. Aside from Ira Glass (This American Life: Chicago Public Radio), however, I always really only had two dudes' voices streaming in my ears at all times as I analyzed data and felt like at any second I'd instinctively start picking out fleas from my coworkers' hair.

There's two bros out in California who are really funny. You might recognize one from his namesake, and the other from the teeny-bopper classic film, Crossroads, but you'll remember them best by their banter together if you give it a listen. Uhh Yeah Dude is comprised of Jonathan Larroquette and Seth Romatelli, respective to their earlier descriptions. Taglined, "America through the Eyes of Two American Americans," the Dudes mock their way through a weekly hour of jest-induced topical discussions including how fat America is, how ridiculous Craigslist is, and how horrible Florida is as a state. If you really love Florida, you might hate them. Sorry, Krise. They rip on Florida's citizens, lawmakers, laws, criminals, backwoods marshnecks, athletes, and just about everything dumb it does... and there is A TON OF DUMB SHIT that they do.

The other segment that really stiffens my puddy-bun is "Craig's House," where Seth reads actual Craigslist ads listed as "Men Seeking Women." Here's the secret: they always end up being married men seeking other men, denying their sexuality, and virtually looking for other dudes to come yank on their parts and blow huge pent-up-marriage loads on their faces. Actual example: "My wife is dumb. Who wants to drain two months worth of spunk-sauce out of this jackhammer? My wife doesn't. I'm so ready for some man-action; get at me." I mean that is hilarious. Normally those type of entries end with something like, "NO GAY SHIT." I mean... can you get any more gay? Truthsmack: If people could just own up to their sexualities, or not be ashamed of who they are, then this wouldn't be funny. If you were just reading these ads, it might come off more disturbing or less funny, just because you probably have a soul. It's not the ads, it's the neuroses behind them; it's the American way.

Having said that, I think I like these guys because they're never really making fun of something that...isn't funny. Normally they're more just calling people out for their bullshit; i.e. a married man seeking gay love and tagging on "no homo" or even making fun of Jonathan himself for being a "vegan" and always eating cheese. Laughing at our societal insecurities is 100 % beneficial and necessary. I mean we, as a country, are totally mental, and why shouldn't that be joyful? As some cool side-effects of tuning in, you'll probably pick up some current events to share when you awkwardly just don't know what else to say at a work function or family event, and you'll probably be introduced to some good music since Jonathan bookends each episode with a track of his choosing. Also a musician, Larroquette performs with friend Amir Yaghmai in electronic duo, Jogger. In fact, they opened up for friend and touted experimental electro-risktaker, Daedelus, at Kinetic Playground about a year ago, and it was lots of fun. (Duh I went, are you even reading this? J.L. was really chill and we laughed about rave kids for awhile before he got yanked to the bar to be showered w free booze from fellow UYD fans.)

As Seth's oft-caustic and very funny take on society harmonizes so naturally with Jonathan's freethinking positivity and hilarious personal allegories, the affable personality of UYD continues to spread laughter as it approaches its five-year anniversary on February 11, 2011. To you, UYD, I say thank you, for getting me through so many muted conference calls, squish-faced train-rides, boring webinars, and airport travels alike. It's not prude, kinda rude, and it's definitely great for both dames and dudes. Please, please keep it coming; I'll never dodge your load.

**Subscribe for free here. If you like funny stuff, you won't regret it. Shout out to Logan Wiles for introducing me some amount of years ago.**