Dwindler's Lists

Due to a pretty busy last month-or-so, I've not been posting as much as I'd like. My time seems to be running away as if it's in a boozey, stressed out hourglass. Note: actual hourglasses scare the shit out of me. I think it's the childhood affinity for Wizard of Oz and fear of the Wicked Witch. She melted away like my dwindling time as of late, and both cases are worthy of spooks. In lieu of using higher brain power, and for practice for some other writing-goodies I'm weighing out and bagging up elsewhere, I have some lists to share with you and yours* (*intellect, privates, pets, loved ones...but probably not moms unless they're Roseanne-y). Feel free to smear your own shit-lists in the comments, or just mutter them to yourself if you feel no one else cares. That's how I feel, but I'm a rebel like whoa, so I got this here blog to share. Sometimes when I write I feel like the old lady in Billy Madison; "are there any horse socks? is anybody listening to me?" Whatever, fuck yo couch, here's some crap anyway.

Things im currently into (and/or may or may not always be into):
1. turkey-pastrami. hands down the best lunch meat.
2. free beer
3. the dude who put himself in a balloon on tosh
4. champagne, especially the big guys
5. answering "i dont know, it must have been the roses" to any question
6. sandwich makers, props @ Antony Demekhin
7. Paul Simon: One Trick Pony on vinyl
8. sunny-ass november
9. fart machines
10. dunphy's, et al
11. making fun of people at beaumont's/continental on a tuesday at 3am...myself included, where applicable. there's two types of people at late-night bars: drunks and horndogs...some are both. play the guess-who's-who game with your friends, or just join in, that's more fun. that's also when you make fun of yourself. WIN/WIN/barf.
12. ben folds, all over again
13. friends (the people, not so much the show)
14. good dick attached to dudes with souls, brains, and/or homes.
15. hair-hanging (real life)
16. re-reading a box of notes received by me as a 14-yr-old tease. Winner: Sam Snedaker signing every note with a giant Wu symbol. I swooned.
17. calling stupid small dumb barkie dogs dickheads (b/c they don't speak English)
18. adverse plants.
19. black comedies with foot fetish references: 90% + guarantee.
20. iphone autocorrect. Pure comedy. Winner: tie. One great gal I won't name texting a friend, "I just got dos'd" (someone gave her acid for all you squarrs/nonwooks). Friend texts back, "are you having fun?" She responds, "yep," but types "yelp" and autocorrect hollers back with..."help." Phone dies. GOLD. Tie goes to Erin Cassato for trying to text "geez" and having it show up as "gems" ...because that's a thing; "gems, i know!"

Stuff that's dumb:
1. Right hand rings - fuck you, wear a ring wherever you want. people put them in their tits, a right hand is hardly alternative.
2. AT & T.
3. The dude's shake weight--FOR REAL!? It might be so dumb it's awesome. Not sure.
4. Assembling your own furniture. Seriously? After spending like, 100 Ikea bucks, which is relative to twenty normal bucks for quality purposes, I have to fuck up my shelves too? Talk about screwing the pooch.
5. Non-HD even being an option on HD tv's.
6. Misspelled sexts including: tuck, liss, stooge, and flooperman that snow.
7. The kid on Who's the Boss not being down w other dudes' manparts?
8. Birthday packaging. Ditch the ribbons and dumb wrapping paper, just buy me a pack of cigs if you want to throw your money in the toilet.
9. See-through advertisements for raking money out of lonely elderly. I may be a general asshole, but I love olds. Leave them alone, marketing thieves.
10. Blaming everything on your "generation." either get off your ass or don't, but don't blame it on your parents' youthful and arbitrary fuck patterns.

I love lists. For someone as freestylie as me on the mic that is life, it is a paradoxical kinship. As a wise woman once told me, when you jot a quick list, always start with tasks you've already accomplished so that you're always off to a good start. So next time when you find yourself burning a Manny Ramirez jersey in the street at 2 am, "getting resourceful" and making shots out of warm juice, sweet tarts, and old vodka, "knee" deep in the middle of a 3-way with good friends, sinking on a pontoon boat full of pals at 6 am- but being excited about "turning into a submarine," or batmanning out of the bar because you're just too drunk and can't tell, don't worry. It just means you'll have lots to cross off next time you make a list. Check!